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Listening to: "Strawberry Gashes", by Jack off Jill
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| 02.25.04 (5:44 pm) [edit] |
In case you haven't noticed... I'm gone. Gone for good this time. I've ended up separating myself from everything I've ever known, so I might as well finish it off by leaving this dumb blog.
(I don't even know you anymore. I really, really don't.) (But that's okay. You seem happy without me.)
(Where you give me lectures, they give me hugs.)
[b]END OF STORY.[/b]
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| (Responses no one wants to hear) |
| 01.27.04 (10:51 am) [edit] |
Let's catch up on current matters, shall we?
That 'freedom of speech' thing? Haven't you figured it out by now? It doesn't exist. Just a lie. (Now you know how I feel)
Concerning... 'love'. I won't say much on this, because honestly, I don't understand it at all. I've never fallen in love. And I never want to. I'm terrified of love. Scared to death, in truth, in very truth. I'm scared of what it does to people. So, I'm going to stay out of it as much as possible, 'kay? If the subject ever comes up and I seem awkward and weird, you'll know why. Forgive me, but I can't help it.
If you happen to read this: (You know who you are... I hope) I really appreciate your kind words. They meant so much to me. Thank you.
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| 01.26.04 (12:28 pm) [edit] |
Maybe it's just to spite them. But I think it's far deeper than that. Maybe there's not even a reason at all. Maybe it doesn't matter.
But I've finally found my religion.
(And I'm much happier now)
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| (Don't let me know I'm invisible) |
| 12.28.03 (7:28 pm) [edit] |
[i]You promised me the ending would be clear You'd let me know when the time was now Don't let me know when you're opening the door Stab me in the dark, let me disappear
Memories that flutter like bats out of hell Stab you from the city spires Life wasn't worth the balance Or the crumpled paper it was written on
Don't let me know we're invisible Don't let me know we're invisible
Hot cash days that you trailed around Cold cold nights under chrome and glass Led me down river of perfumed limbs Sent me to the streets with the good time girls
Don't let me know we're invisible Don't let me know we're invisible We could dance, dance, dance thru' the fire Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire
Feed me no lies I don't know about you, I don't know about you Breathe through the years I don't know about you, I don't know about you Bring me the disco king I don't know about you, I don't know about you Dead or alive, bring me the disco king Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king Bring me the disco king
Spin-offs with those who slept like corpses Damp morning rays in the stiff bad clubs Killing time in the '70s Smelling of love through the moist winds Don't let me know when you're opening the door Close me in the dark, let me disappear Soon there'll be nothing left of me Nothing left to release
Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire Feed me no lies I don't know about you, I don't know about you Breathe through the years I don't know about you, I don't know about you Bring me the disco king I don't know about you, I don't know about you Dead or alive, bring me the disco king Bring me the disco king Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king
-"Bring Me The Disco King", by David Bowie[/i]
A song from the Underworld soundtrack. I've decided (discovered) that I like music/movies etc. with a... religious theme. Listen to the soundtrack, you might get a better idea. See Bless the Child, that might help too. Maybe it's because I don't have a clear understanding of religion myself, and question it deeply. Christianity seems too fake to me. It's about loving 'god', not so much worshiping Him. Somehow, I just don't buy that. I used to go to a Christian church, and my mom's a Christian. I was raised a Christian, but I've never really believed it. Then again, I don't really go for the scientific, logical approach either. I know it's true, but it bothers me that I don't have some religion, some god to base my beliefs on. Don't ask me why, it just does. It bugs the hell out of me. I suppose I just like music/movies/art that represent various interpretations of Christianity/god/religion . I don't understand any of this. Maybe that's okay for now. But some part of me really wants to figure it out.
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| I've never felt more pathetic in my life |
| 12.28.03 (12:30 pm) [edit] |
I know. I lied. Again.
But not quite. I did find another refuge. Actually, I found it a while ago, but never told anyone. I'm glad I kept that little secret to myself. I've met people and shared thoughts without persecution. All on my new little hideout on the internet. I'll NEVER tell. I don't think you'd want me to anyways.
Anyways. Yes, I came back. But I'm not going to post feelings. No more feelings. Only happenings, and opinions and the like. And I might even post some artwork I'll get around to doing someday. Don't count on it.
My parents found the cuts on my arms. Someone tipped them off. They won't tell me who. I think (I hope, oh god I hope) that it was someone from school. I hope it's not her. I really thought I could trust her. I hope it's not them. They're all I've got. Whoever it was, made my life a living hell. If they were trying to help me, they fucked up big time and screwed me over real bad. THIS is why I'm so introverted. THIS is why I'm so antisocial. Because then, there's no one to hurt you. If some random person makes you feel like dying, you don't mind hating them. It's harder to hate someone you thought you'd never have to. THIS is why I am the way I am. So if ANYONE thinks I should change anything (which includes self-manipulation), they can just fuck off, because I won't. I get enough of that from my parents, I don't need it from anyone else. I've really never felt so betrayed.
That's enough. All posts from now on will be emotionless and unrevealing. (Bullet proof... I wish I was)
[i]Lay beside me, tell me what they've done Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you
Lay beside me, under wicked sky The black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze The door cracks open but there's no sun shining through No, there's no sun shining through No, there's no sun shining...
What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you...
What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you Or are you unforgiven too?
Lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone Black hearts scarring darker steel, yes she'll be there when I'm gone Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone Dead sure she'll be there
What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you...
What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you Or are you unforgiven too?
Lay beside me, tell me what I've done The door is closed, so are your eyes But now I see the sun, now I see the sun Yes now I see it
What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you....
What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits, The one who waits for you....
Oh what I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you.... (So I dub thee unforgiven....)
Oh, what I've felt.... Oh, what I've known....
I take this key (never free...) And I bury it (never me...) in you Because you're unforgiven too....
Never free.... Never me.... 'Cause you're unforgiven too.... Oh
-"Unforgiven II", by Metallica[/i]
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| Last one. |
| 12.16.03 (3:55 pm) [edit] |
That's right, you heard me. I'm finally relocating again. AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHERE. Because I'm finally getting tired of this.
You: You don't know what to do? Try this: Leave it alone. I've really never been so content. So just leave me be. Okay?
It's almost hard to believe that they're all so miserable. It's even harder to believe that they'd come here and say exactly the kind of thing that they got mad at me for saying before I came here. Oh well.
I think I was wrong after all. Maybe this IS where I belong, so far from all I've ever known. Maybe it is. I'll always be terrified of it... but it's where I fit in. Sort of.
Cutting off your circulation is fun. Self-mutilation in general is just beautiful.
Today she asked me if I would mind being late for Commercial Art. I told her I wouldn't mind at all. She took me to her locker, got her binder, and led me to the bathroom. Just inside the door, away from the busy hallway, she gave me the little package wrapped in gold paper, complete with a pretty purple bow and a sparkly ribbon. My voice went all spueaky as I opened it up to find one of the most beautiful things in the entire world inside: Radiohead: The Bends. We made a deal. I owe her. I owe her big time.
[i]limb by limb and tooth by tooth tearing up inside of me everyday everyhour wish that i was bullet proof
wax me mould me heat the pins and stab them in you have turned me into this just wish that it was bullet proof
so pay me money and take a shot lead-fill the hole in me i could burst a million bubbles all surrogate & bullet proof
-"Bullet Proof... I Wish I Was", by Radiohead[/i]
And then... she left.
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| -- C.U.N.T -- |
| 12.12.03 (4:14 pm) [edit] |
Yep -points up- That's my MSN name thingy. Much love.
I believe in luck. Yes, yes I do.
Yesterday, was basically shitty. Yelling, fighting and shit like that. I stayed outside and nearly froze just because I didn't want to go back inside this hellhole. [I walked past peoples' houses, thinking I might stop at one of them for a while. I think it was about then that I realized that home was the only place I had to go.] ANYWAYS. My parents dragged me to the mall for supper, and because I was pissed, let me wander off on my own. At the CD store, I was sorting through the t-shirts they sold, when I saw it. RADIOHEAD, Hail to the Theif, Size XL. It was mine. Getting that, then inspired me to get some fishnets. So, I got myself a black and a red pair of fishnet gloves. (Actually, stockings that I cut into gloves) But yeah. I wore my t-shirt and black fishnets today and perhaps had one of the best days of my life at Crocus.
[b]Photography - Slot 1[/b] I was still so excited about wearing my beautiful Radiohead shirt. I developed stuff for a while, then sat and did nothing for the rest of the period. Not real lucky yet, but still good.
[b]Math - Slot 2[/b] Best math class yet. There was a substitute, so we got to sit and talk, basically. We were supposed to be doing some trig. worksheet, but screw that. Me and Kaili and Sheldon and Sarah talked and looked at a magazine. So much fun. I was scared for a minute though. We were all sitting around one little table, so Kaili was close enough to see through my fishnets. She asked me what happened. I said my cat scratched me after a pause I hoped she didn't notice. People nodded and the subject was changed.
[b]Comm. Arts - Slot 3[/b] I can't believe I used to hate this class. We're currently making signs, with vinyl lettering and everything. Mine has a little doll thingy and it says "voodoo". I like it very much. Class went on as usual, until kind of near the end. Kaili, who sits right across from me in Comm. Art (yeah, the one from math), asked to see my arm again. She leaned in and told me that my cat didn't scratch me. I tried to keep up the act, but I'm no good at lying. I start to grin like an asshole when people start to figure it out. She said she knew because she cut herself just a couple days ago too. She knew because cats don't scratch in little straight lines like that. **I am very happy to actually find someone who sympathizes with me, instead of telling me that I scare them. SHE understands that that's just what I DO.**
[b]Lunch - Slot 4[/b] I found Megan and we walked around, looking for Lauren and Celeste. Mandee and Francis had gone home. Lauren was out smoking, but we found her and the three of us walked around for a while. We went to get Lauren's cards, but she forgot she didn't have them. Lauren saw my shirt and said that she has that Radiohead CD as well and that there are good songs on it. I agreed. Then we had to go back to class.
[b]English - Slot 5[/b] I finished my story. I might post it, but I doubt I will. Way too long. 27 pages double spaced. The librarian (can't spell his name) edited it, and told me it was a pleasure to read. I was very honored. I've started drawing a picture to represent the story like Mrs. AJ asked me to. It's been a long time since I drew realistically, and forgot how much fun it is.
[b]Social Studies - Slot 6[/b] There was a basketball game during this class, so Mr. Baker let us all go watch it instead of staying in class. Instead of going to the gym, I talked to Celeste for a while, who had a spare. She's going to Mexico. I'm very happy for her. Mr. Baker caught me and told me to stay out of the halls if I wasn't going to the basketball game. So I went to the library and drew my picture more since everyone else was in class. Then I went home.
And here I am.
The cunt is tired now. But very bored. Oh well.
YOU FUCKING CUNT.
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| (Living like a disaster) |
| 12.09.03 (5:37 pm) [edit] |
[i]Turn her over A candle is lit I see through her Blow it out and save all her ashes for me
Curse me sold her The poison that runs it's course through her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over
Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster With strawberry gashes all over
Called her over And asked her if she was improving She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here
Hex me told her I dreamt of a devil that knew her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over
Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster With strawberry gashes all over
I lay quiet Waiting for her voice to say "Some things you loose and some things you just give away"
Scold me failed her If only I'd held on tighter to her Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me
Watch me loose her It's almost like loosing myself Give her my soul And let them take somebody else get away from me
Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster With strawberry gashes all over all over me
-"Strawberry Gashes", by Jack Off Jill[/i]
(If I've finally found my place, How come I'm still terrified of it?)
(How dare you say that. You have no right.)
(I wonder if they'll believe me when I tell them it's paint?)
(([i]count to six and die[/i]))
(Another art block. Everything's slipping away again)
(YOU feel that way? You? They still remember your name. Mine's been forgotten)
Celeste is a psychic. She told us today. She can't read minds and that shit my she can guess the colour which represents us. I'm lilac.
(I tell things as they are, and most people don't want to hear it)
(Inevitable? Am I that easy to forget?) (Of course I am)
(Depression. Yeah, I guess so.)
[I hate having to type stupid little sentances which don't make sence. But that's what I've been reduced to. That's what you've made me.]
I HATE YOU. ... and no one will know who "you" is. Or are.
So there.
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| Hmmaw! |
| 12.08.03 (4:01 pm) [edit] |
1-name= Alex. Alexandra. The Skeleton Key. SK. So many names... 2-age= ... 14. I keep forgetting. 3-birthday= October 29th. 4-eye color= Blueish-grayish. Very 'ish'. 5-hair color= Brown. Still small traces of black/red highlights, though. 6-height= Um... average? 7-skin tone color= Supposed to be caucasian, but it's usually purple or blue. 8-right handed or left handed= Right-ness. 9-weight= Couldn't tell you if i wanted to... (I don't know) 10-any piercings= One in each ear. But I think I want an eyebrow piercing... 11-shy at all?= +laughs+ ALL the fucking time. 12-outgoing at all?= Never. 13-fav. song= Tough. "Star No Star" by Jack off Jill, I guess. 14-fav. band= (We'll just pretend that says "fav. bands") Radiohead, A Perfect Circle, NIN, Three Days Grace, Coldplay, The Ataris, Linkin Park, Evanescence, Finger Eleven, David Usher, Deathboy, Jack Off Jill, Switchblade Symphony, Marilyn Manson... (not in order) 15-fav. movie= The Shawshank Redemption, The Last Samurai's a close second though 16-fav. movie star= Umm... Morgan Freeman's pretty good... (not going by looks, like 'some' do... going by acting talent) 17-fav. drink= Chocolate Milk! 18-fav. food= Hmm... chocolate chip cookies? 19-fav. Ice cream= Triple Chocolate Triumph. Haven't had it in a long time though... 20-fav. color= BLACK. (Red if you don't count black as a colour) 21-fav. saying= Uh... 22-something weird about yourself= I paint some pictures with my blood. 23-something you hate= Hypocrites, facists, rasists, sexists, close-minded people... you get the idea. 24-something that bugs you about the person who sent this to you= No one sent this to me... I stole it. 25-something you like about the person who sent this to you= Um... -see previous answer- 26-dumbest thing you've ever heard= A discussion concerning a guy named Brad peeing in Antarctica in Social Studies... dumbest thing I think of right now, but I've heard a lot of stupid things... 27-stupidest song= "Right Thurr", by Chingy, "Hot in Here", by Nelly, most other rap. 28-do you have a crush on anyone= Never have, still don't. 29-if so whom may that person be= No one. 30-which is more important personality or looks= Personality? I guess? 31-what does the person you like look like= ... no, still haven't developed a crush over the last 15 seconds. 32-longest relationship= Relationship? I'm 14 for fuck's sake. 33-what kind of vehicle do you want= I'll take the bus my entire life. 34-would you rather be eaten by a dog or by a cow= ... the hell. 35-potatoe or potato= ... I like corn better, thanks. 36-ketchup or mustard= Mayo. 37-coke or pepsi= Hawaiian Punch. 38-pudding or ice cream= Cottage cheese. 39-gold or silver= Ebony 40-blue or red= Black. 41-hockey or soccer= Ping pong 42-hugging or fondeling= Isolation 43-kissing someone new or kissing the same person over and over= Neither... never never. 44-hugging or holding hands= They both disgust me. 45-have you ever told a boyfriend or girlfriend you loved them= ... I don't think I've every told my sister I loved her. What are the chances I'll tell that to someone else?
MUSIC VIDEO RATINGS (by me...)
[b]"Just Like You", by Three Days Grace[/b] Song: Very good. Artist: One of the best. Pros: Demonstrates the whole point very well. A modern, industrial way of getting the idea across. Cons: Wouldn't there be more men with white faces? Rating: 9/10
[b]"The Hardest Button To Button", by The White Stripes[/b] Song: Eh.. not bad, but not really great. Artist: Good, from what I've heard. Pros: Neat idea. Well put together. Cons: Although filming was probably supposed to be shaky, I just didn’t really like it. Rating: 7/10
[b]”Shut Up”, by Black Eyed Peas[/b] Song: Very very annoying. Artist: Also, very annoying. Pros: Uh... Cons: How come all the guys were dressed differently, but all the girls wore that same blue shirt thing? Also, I didn’t unsterstand the whole stage thing. Not a great video. Rating: 4/10
[b]”There There”, by Radiohead[/b] Song: BEAUTIFUL Artist: The best I’ve heard. Pros: Everything. The video matched the music well, and was very artistic. Everything was just... beautiful. Everything complimented each other, and just fit together so well. Cons: It ended. Rating: 20/10
[b]”Are You Gonna Be My Girl”, by Jet[/b] Song: Awsome. Artist: This is the only song I’ve heard from them, so I can’t comment. Pros: The shadow things were neat... they did so much with so little with those. Cons: A little bland for my taste. Rating: 8/10
[b]”Sweet Dreams”, by Marilyn Manson[/b] Song: Very beautiful. Artist: True. Real. Wonderful. Pros: Everything just worked. Random images like that have never fit together so well. Cons: Hmm... can’t think of any. Rating: 10/10
[b]”My Immortal”, by Evanescence[/b] Song: It’s pretty good. I’m not much for slow mushy songs, but this one’s the best of them I’ve heard. Artist: Overall wonderful. Pros: I liked the black and white. It fit the song. And her dress/bandages around her hands and feet fit too. Cons: The video didn’t really have a point... Rating: 8/10
[b]”Someday”, by Nickleback[/b] Song: Bleh... Artist: Bleh... Pros: Hmm... interesting concept, I guess. Cons: Overplayed. I didn’t think the acting was that great. Rating: 5/10
[b]”Hold On", by Good Charlotte[/b] Song: Really don't like it... Artist: I used to like them, but I guess I grew out of it Pros: It really was a deep video. Really sorta drives the point in like someone hammering a six-inch nail into your forehead. Cons: At the end a girl said something like "Just hold on, because everyone goes through it." Is that really supposed to make someone feel better? Knowing that there are more people who are suffering and that the world neglected so many other people too? That doesn't make me feel real confident about holding on. Rating: 5/10
That's enough for now, I think. More later, if I feel like it.
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| 'white light, white heat' |
| 12.01.03 (7:17 pm) [edit] |
Hmm... might as well...
Been on a plane: One of those two-passenger planes, once. Swam in the ocean: No. I was pissed off, so I sat on the beach and made a tomb for a dead crab Swam in a lake: A couple times Gone skinny dipping: nevernevernevernever... Cheated on a test: Heh... yeah Let a friend cry on your shoulder: Not phyisically on my shoulder... Fell asleep in the shower: Almost Gone to church: I used to go Read the Bible: Parts of it Climbed a tree: Sure Watched Dawson's Creek: Never Gone water skiing: No Gone skateboarding: No... I won't lower myself to their level. Gone crowd-surfing: ... no? Fell asleep during a scary movie: Uh, I don't think so Gone all night without sleep: Yep. Been to camp: Unfortunately... Worst five days of my life. Played soccer: Well... I've tried... Talked to yourself: I'm my own best friend. Started a fire: Uh... yeah, I guess. Been to a major league baseball game: No Saw a pro basketball game: No Been to a NFL game: No Been to a NHL game: And, yet again, no. Watched Dirty Dancing: In bits and pieces, I think I've seen it all. Danced along: ... no. Wanted to die: +Laughs+ Met a celebrity: No.. Driven a car: No... I almost did a month ago, though. Didn't wash your hair for a week: Not that I can remember... Got stitches: Nope Broken something: Not me. Played house: Actually, I never really played house as a kid. Ran away: Nope. I've never seen the point in running away. Got lost: Probably. Read the dictionary: Um... not the entire dictionary... Been in a play: A loooooong time ago, reluctantly, yes. Thought about suicide: All the time. Not always about committing suicide, but about suicide itself quite a bit. Tried to commit suicide: As long as self-injury doesn't count (which I don't think it does), then no. Used your parent's credit card: Never, actually... my own's good enough. Been scared of getting shot: No... Gotten a cavity: 'Fraid so. Got shot: +Checks for bullet holes+ No, not yet Saw someone die: Well... I saw a dead person, but I never actually saw them die... Cried so hard you couldn't stop shaking: No.. I don't cry much Got into a fist fight: Nope Punched someone for no reason: I've hit my sister for no reason... lots of times... if that counts. Thought you were in love: Never Stayed online till 4 in the morning: I think so.. I was tired and lost track of time Used someone for sex: Dear god no. Made prank phone calls: No.. Called someone you liked but hung up: No.. I'm not much of a phone person Streaked: ... no. Been hurt by the guy you liked: I never really liked anyone... so, no? Gone to another country: Yeah Wet the bed: ... not that I can remember Moved: Twice Had your house rolled: ... no, it's remained stationary in the ground for as long as I've lived in it... Broken the law: Many, many times. (Did you know that taping a show off tv in considered breaking the law?) Killed someone: Not yet Killed someone in your thoughts: Multiple times Smoked in school: I've stood with people while they smoked (yeah, I'll die of second-hand) not sure if that counts though. Skipped school: Sure Been stabbed in the back by a "friend": Uh... I don't think so...
[i]three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty street and in our beds, under the sheets, they're the halo of guilt hanging around your neck, next to the rosary you count, falling asleep and we're praying to treat the symptoms of letting go of all our hope. since we can't compete with martyred saints, we'll douse ourselves in gasoline and hang our bodies from the lampposts so that our shadows turn into bright lights 'white light, white heat' we'll make as we're blacking out in the center lane, we swerve to the beat, spill all the ink No revisions Do you hear the church bells ringing? wake up!! wake up in an outline and try to speak with the shattered voice of the lives we lead... have we slept too long between the bullet holes in a stained-glass window state? when we repent, we fall on the page (read, in the margins) we are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope. someday we'll be complete like modern saints, baptize our kids in gasoline and hang our doubts up in cathedrals so that they turn to faith in the colored sunlight. 'red rain, red rain' we'll make as we're blacking out in the center lane... do you hear the church bells ringing? they ring for you. we woke up this morning to a street filled with a thousand burning crosses and what we thought was the sunrise, just passing headlights still the choir girls sing, 'oh lord, can you save us? oh lord, sing hallelujah' they are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope... we're falling asleep with open eyes falling asleep inside the chapel falling asleep in chalk outlines falling asleep as the headlights pass us by... -"Asleep in the Chapel", by Thursday[/i]
I like that song. Pretty good band.
I met Mandee (spelled it wrong last time) today. Our little mob (Ear cult...) wandered around together, but we didn't really talk much. A few minutes ago, I talked to her on MSN. She said something very nice. Something that made me loathe myself so much. She said something like "Well, even though you don't talk much, you seem like a very nice person". ... damn. I am such a bitch. I'm so relieved that she's giving me another chance to actually be a friend, who communicates with others. Every single person I've met at Crocus has mentioned something about me being shy, or not talking much.
I think you get the idea, so I won't blather on.
Something's gotta give.
Something will.
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| Basic shit. |
| 11.27.03 (6:08 pm) [edit] |
OKAY. Haven't posted in a while. Time to make it up.
-I got my report card. 86% in Math, 83% in Commercial Arts, 87% in Photography, 89% in Social Studies, and a fucking 75% in English. Once my parents saw that, the shit hit the fan. I was banned from the intnernet and cable for many days. There was a lot of yelling. -I wrote a part of a story. My English teacher wanted to see some more of my writing, so I showed her. She showed the librarian, and presto! I don't have to go to English any more. Instead, I go to the library and make up my own assignments to challenge myself. I still have to do some things everyone else does, but not much. Yay. -Yesterday, a strange conversation took place between me and some guy who's been waving to me as I passed him in the hall since September. Guy: Hello. Me: Hi. Guy: How are you. Me: I'm okay. Guy: This is my friend. Her name is Megan. Megan: Hi. Me: Hi. Megan: What's your name? Me: Alex. (People nod) Guy: Well, bye. Me: Bye. Maybe not really strange, but I thought it was. -Surprisingly enough, today that guy (whose name I found out, if Francis) claimed me as his friend. He dragged me about the school by the arm (literally...) around the school introducing me to people. Then Meaghan from last year found us. It was her turn to drag me about and introduce me to people. Luckily I escaped though, because Francis told her to give me back (again, literally...). There was some "She's mine!", "No, she's mine!" and then she left. Then Francis introduced me to the rest of the goths he (and me too now, I guess) hangs around with. There's Megan (the same one from yesterday), Laura (or Laurie), Josh, and Alex (yes, another one). Mandy wasn't there that day, so I get to meet her tomorrow. They think I'll like her. Yay. -I got the game Castlevania: Lament of Innocence. Wonderful game. Highly recommend it. Big step up from the GBA versions.
Well, that's about it. Interesting, no? I thought so.
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| did you know the world is e n d i n g ? |
| 11.18.03 (6:57 pm) [edit] |
Did you know the world is ending? I'm no precognitive prodogy child, but I know. I mean, look around. The world has changed quite a bit. Some people are trying to fix it. But they're too late. Everything's too fucked up. No one can do anything. Maybe everyone could if they worked together. But that's the thing. We can't. We all know what's happening. We just won't do anything about it. Some will... But not enough. We're either ignoring each other or destroying each other. "It's in humans' nature to destroy themselves." (A quote from Terminator 2. An old movie, and a good one at that. But one of the truest things I've heard.) There's an old story, about a scorpion and a frog. One day, the scorpion asked the frog if he would give him a ride across the river on his back. The frog said "Of course not. You're a scorpion, you'll poison me." The scorpion replied "Why would I do that? If I sting you, I'll drown as well." The frog realized that the scorpion was right, so he agreed to give him a ride across the river. When they were about half way across, the scorpion stung the frog. "Why did you do that?" asked the frog, "Now we're both dead." "I couldn't help it," said the scorpion as they began to sink, "I'm a scorpion." ... I truely and honestly hate human beings.
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| Kamikaze Karma |
| 11.18.03 (4:37 pm) [edit] |
I've seen lots of people around the internet with characters that they draw to represent them. I envied them very much. So, I decided to make up my own character. It turns out, that's harder said than done. Every time I thought I'd made one up. Another really good idea hacked it's way into my already-crowded brain. I've narrowed it down a little, though. SO. Instead of having one character to represent me as a whole [hole]. I've made a character for my MIND, BODY and SOUL. Let's meet them, shall we?
MIND::Maggot BODY::TheWalkingPinCushio n SOUL::ExAndOh
And that's that.
Another thing:
Norbert Georgot came to our school today. He talked about the consequences of drinking and driving. He showed us pictures. (I heard 4 people puked, and another 2 passed out. But those are only what I heard about) He told us true stories. He showed a couple videos and sound clips. He even showed us a real body bag, which he had used for a student named Steve. (Yes, it was cleaned out) It was very... well, I dunno. Very. Now, for the part you've all been waiting for: My opinions.
I don't think drugs are bad. I think if people want to take them and accept the consequences, that's their choice. [Suicide/self-abuse isn't illegal. But drugs are. Oh the hypocrisy] I do think that shoving addicts in jail with rapists and murderers is bad. I think they deserve to at least be offered treatment. I think people need to get a fucking clue.
Bugger you. Bugger you all.
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| -I'd rather die than give you control--Head like a hole- |
| 11.17.03 (7:11 pm) [edit] |
WOW. Definate new favorite band. Now that I got my internet back, I can download more songs. By JACK OFF JILL. Such beautiful music. I love it so much.
[i]I cannot distance myself You were the one who believed That only half of a girl Half more than you could deveive
I watch your face on TV All that I am turns to fear When you're the boy that I want I will be waiting right here
I don't know what to believe Sew up the sore make it fake When you're the boy that I want I'll be the girl that you hate
You end up dead in the end Star no star You end up right here my friend Star no star We end up dead in the end Star no star We end up right here my friend Star no star
I cannot distance myself You were the one who believed That only half of a girl Half you but never half me
I see your face on the street Burnt hands but features so clear When I'm the girl that you want I will be waiting right here
I don't know what to believe Peel all the scars from our way When you're the boy that I want We will have one perfect day
You end up dead in the end Star no star You end up right here my friend Star no star We end up dead in the end Star no star You end up right here my friend Star no star
I am so distant myself I guess I never believed That you could take it away And I'd have no time to grieve
I don't believe in TV I don't believe in the fear When you are searching for stars You will be looking right here
You end up dead in the end Star no star You end up right here my friend Star no star We end up dead in the end Star no star We end up right here my friend Star no star
We end up right here my friend Star no star We end up right here my friend Star no star We end up right here my friend Star no star[/i] -"Star No Star", by Jack Off Jill
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| hey PIG, yeah YOU--- |
| 11.15.03 (11:31 am) [edit] |
[i]Hey pig Yeah, you Hey pig piggy pig pig pig All of my fears came true Black and blue and broken bones You left me here I'm all alone My little piggy needed something new Nothing can stop me now I don't care any more Nothing can stop me now I just don't care Hey pig Nothing's turning out the way I planned Hey pig there's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand What am I supposed to do? I lost my shit because of you Nothing can stop me now I don't care anymore Nothing can stop me now I just don't care Nothing can stop me now You don't need me anymore[/i] -"Piggy", by NIN
Not sure how I feel. Happy vs. Not-so-happy So Let's go through the last couple days' Pros and Cons
[u]PROS[/u] ~Alex got "Further Down the Spiral", a NIN CD for only 12 bucks ~Alex got a dip-pen, three nibs for it, and two bottles of india ink real cheap because the girl at the cash regester was one of her dad's old students ~Alex got a tablet (that she's wanted for a year or so now), and would have gotten a discount because her dad knew the guy at CompuSmart if it wasn't already 70 bucks off ~Alex got several free samples from Safeway ~Alex convinced her dad to buy calzones (sp?) and really good sandwiches with coupons from one of the free sample stands
[u]CONS[/u] ... I'll go through life staring into the back of your head Always behind Destined to be behind you Always Because every time I try To take those couple steps forward And match my pace with yours I stumble And fall again Again (As blunt fingernails- dull and cut short- drum against the against the desk over and over, in a manner all to idle, my mind can only drown with thoughts I know will never be real, and thoughts I know I can never escape.) You're like a spirit Flitting amongst the tombstones But only because I glanced so quickly Afraid Afraid that if I looked too long I'd realize you really were Just a spirit And dissappear forever Maybe it would be easier that way But Some suffering is hard to live without I've learned that well
-I can't cry anymore- -I bleed instead-
... I think the Cons won.
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| With strawberry gashes all over... |
| 11.12.03 (4:44 pm) [edit] |
New music. New lyrics.
[i]Well you've got me working so hard lately Working my hands until they bleed If I was twice the man I could be I'd still be half of what you need Still you lead me and I follow All of your back up to your chin Over to the tip of your switchblade As you pull it out and stick it in
(Twist, twist, twist) We can go a little deeper (Twist, twist, twist) I'm wearing these chains (Twist, twist, twist) You make it hurt real good (Twist, twist, twist) I love the pain
Well you just leave me nailed here Hanging like Jesus on the cross I'm dying for your sins And aiding the cause
(Twist, twist, twist) We can go a little deeper (Twist, twist, twist) I'm wearing these chains (Twist, twist, twist) You make it hurt real good (Twist, twist, twist) I love the pain
Wrap my soul in bandgages I'm tired of this war Go ahead and cut me I can't even feel it any more
(Twist, twist, twist) We can go a little deeper (Twist, twist, twist) I'm wearing these chains (Twist, twist, twist) You make it hurt real good (Twist, twist, twist) I love the pain
-"Ringfinger", by NIN (Nine Inch Nails)[/i]
NIN is probably the only old band I like Nirvana's okay... but not real great I usually only like new bands Except NIN Yay for NIN
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| (Go back to sleep) |
| 11.11.03 (2:23 pm) [edit] |
Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left
[i][Say hello, to the rug's topography It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it Say hello, to the shrinking in your head You can't feel it but you know it's there so don't neglect it][/i]
Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left Don't take away all I've got left
How dare you take it away again How dare you take it away again How dare you take it away again How dare you HOW DARE YOU
{Finally found my release} ... (So this is what it's like to be content)
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| Fly away on my zephyr |
| 11.09.03 (1:22 pm) [edit] |
New music for you all to listen too while reading my blog. I love The Zephyr Song.
And now, for all you who care, my Kazaa playlist: (I just finished cleaning out the bad-quality junk)
Try Honesty - Billy Talent There Is - Boxcar Racer Short Skirt, Long Jacket - Cake I Ran Away - Coldplay Resurrection - David Usher Ophelia - David Usher Final Thoughts and The Last Day On Earth - David Usher Million - David Usher F Train - David Usher Push - David Usher Gasoline - David Usher Believe Me - David Usher Jesus Was My Girl - David Usher Unholy, Dirty and Beautiful - David Usher Trickster - David Usher Leave It Alone - David Usher Forest Fire - David Usher St. Lawrence River - David Usher Babyskin Tattoo - David Usher Mood Song - David Usher Return to Psychotica - Deathboy Decimate - Deathboy Against it All - Deathboy Computer #1 - Deathboy Razorblade - Deathboy Demons - Deathboy A Letter to Divide - Deathboy 19-2000 - Gorillaz Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz Starshine - Gorillaz I Did My Time - Korn This is the New Shit - Marilyn Manson Angel With the Scabbed Wings - Marilyn Manson The Perfect Drug - Nine Inch Nails Head Like a Hole - Nine Inch Nails Ringfinger - Nine Inch Nails Hurt - Nine Inch Nails Mr. Self Destruct - Nine Inch Nails I'm Afraid of Americans - Nine Inch Nails Do the Evolution - Pearl Jam Gutter Glitter - Switchblade Symphony
Yay. Wasn't that fun.
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| pin me up --- eat me alive |
| 11.07.03 (6:21 pm) [edit] |
[image]skeletonkey_544951 723.jpg[/image]
[i]Her hunched, mutilated form swayed, threating to topple at the mess before her. A disgusting mixture of fear and longing danced nimbly across her features. Her cloak-covered legs soon buckled and gave way, leaving her small, twisted body to succumb to gravity's relentless demand. It wasn't that she feared the sight of blood- or shriveled organs, or yellowed papery skin, or empty fly-infested eye sockets staring her way- but it wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to happen. She opened her throat to the dark abyss of the sky above, a hoarse, raspy whisper sounding where a scream should have- a bloody convolution of fingernail-ripped flesh at her throat giving a sufficient explaination for this. Her dry, cracked lips once concealed rows of sharp pearly teeth, but she had ripped them away long ago, with the same fingernails that had taken her voice before they fell out themselves. After several trying attempts, she finally found the right degree of control over her breath to speak, her voice little different from her whispers before. The unsteady intonation of her words made it obvious that they were not heard often, and pained her greatly when they were. "Go, ravenous flies, be gone," she seethed as blood trickled from the corner of her gaping mouth, "It is mine again tonight."[/i]
THE WALKING PIN CUSHION [pin me up] [eat me alive] She was once an angel. But she committed sin. (Thou shalt not kill) And so, was cast away. Her bones were twisted and mangled inside her flesh. Her hands were shriveled and mutilated until they could never be used again. Her eyes were torn out and replaced with oblivion. Her wings were broken off and replaced with pins. Pins to remind her of her guilt. This was all after she punished herself for her sin. After she ripped out half of her vocal chords. After she pulled out her teeth one by one. After she forced herself to consume the remains. And she relives it every night in her dreams. She has wandered the shadows ever since. Suffering her last punishment. Immortality.
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| [pale angel go away, come again some other day] |
| 11.06.03 (6:56 pm) [edit] |
Just got "Thirteenth Step." Also known as A Perfect Circle's new CD. Been wanting it for quite some time. Excelent music.
I wanted to upload a picture of [b]EX[/b] and [b]OH[/b] today. But it's not finished yet. When it is, I'll share their beauty with you. (And explain who they are.) It's nice to have beings to share my true feelings with. Even if they are fictional. No more will words be my escape. I have [b]EX[/b] and [b]OH[/b]
(because MUSIC is LIFE) (Art?? Life? Death -- Not much DIFFERENCE)
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| [and not to pull your halo down] |
| 11.05.03 (4:14 pm) [edit] |
 schizoid
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla
 Black: PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the world. For reasons who knows, but you definately hate life. href=http://www.saradover.comMade by Sara
What color do you see the world in? brought to you by Quizilla
 Your creativty and craftsmenship doesn't come from nowhere. You used to be an artisan in your past life, painting murals, sculpting statues, and crafting wood for more noble people.
Who were you in your past life? brought to you by Quizilla

What's your life as a movie? Made by Sara
 I'm sorry, my friend, but you would have been quartered. Ouch! Your arms and legs would have been strapped to four different horses and they would all run in different directions. Your hypocritical and backstabbing self would have caused you to get to that horrible fate. You would have turned your back on your masters. Shame, shame.
How Would You Have Been Executed Back in the Day? brought to you by Quizilla
 Bat eyes for you. The term "blind as a bat" matches you well. You see the things that you wish to see. Everything else is darkness for you. You're in your own tunnel. If something happens, then it happens...whether it's bad or not. You don't like to interact with the outside world much. You just do things because you need to. You like to be alone. Cheer up a bit. You may be missing a lot that could be open to you.
What Animal Eyes Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla
 Oh no. You may not even have a funeral because of your wild, crazy ways. No one would notice you're gone. Your body may just be thrown and found somewhere. Your death could be in the newspaper, or anywhere else, and people would barely even notice or care. You would possibly just be a statistic. Come on, don't be thrown out like trash now. You don't have to go out and think that there's no need for anyone or anything in the world. Look around and you may find something worthwhile...it could even be your own self =)
What Type of Funeral Will You Have? Will You Be Missed Once You're Gone? brought to you by Quizilla
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| Just one more, I promise... |
| 11.04.03 (6:26 pm) [edit] |
What the fuck?
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| Spirit... ? |
| 11.04.03 (6:23 pm) [edit] |
 Your element is Spirit. You are above most Earthly things or like to think you are. More mysterious than any of the other elements and twice as dangerous. You tend to be a loner and whatever you belive in it verges on fanatical. Be careful because Spirit has no true substance and can get lost.
What's your element brought to you by Quizilla
What the hell?? That's not even an element. Damn quizzes... I'll do some more tomorrow or something.
Yes, I got my internet back today. Cable's still lost. Makes me sick.
But I am relatively pleased. I got myself some Prismacolor pencil crayons. The best of the best art supplies. And a pretty sketchbook. Yay for art.
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| Mamma's got a scarecrow, gonna let the corn grow |
| 11.04.03 (6:12 pm) [edit] |
http://www.gamewyrd.com --
Skeletonkey's Battle Imp is |  Ilon | Backstabbing: 2
Dodgin': 7
Guts: 10
Magic Mojo: 2
Smackdown: 8
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LAYER ONE Name: Alex Birthplace: Some little place I can't spell in Alberta, Canada Current location: Shitty little town in Manitoba, Canada Eyes: Blueish? Hair: Little more than chin length... brown with some remaining black streaks Height: Kinda tall? Righty or Lefty: Righty Zodiac Sign: Scorpio LAYER TWO Your heritage: Um... Scotish/Irish/English, if I remember correctly Your weakness: Uh... Your fears: Drowning, my secrets being found out Your perfect pizza: No pizza. I don't like pizza. Goal you'd like to achieve: Um... waking up tomorrow? (I set my goals low, that way, they're easier to achieve) LAYER THREE Your thoughts first waking up: Godammit... stupid fucking sun... go to hell alarm clock... shit. Other random profanity Your best physical feature: -laughs- Your bedtime: Some begodly hour of the morning Your most missed memory: I don't miss memories LAYER FOUR Pepsi or Coke: I don't like pop, and I find no difference between the two. McDonald's or Burger King: Both gross... but McDonald's, if I must, because of their apple pies Single or group dates: Alex doesn't do dates. Adidas or Nike: Both are made in sweatshops, so neither Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate, duh Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino... although coffee's good too LAYER FIVE Smoke: Nope Cuss: All the fuckin' time Sing: Not in public, hell no Take showers daily: Yes... I'm clean Have a crush: Never have, still don't. Think you've been in love: Never. Want to go college: Uh... does university count? Want to get married: No way Believe in yourself: Nope Get motion sickness: Sometimes... not often thoug Think you're attractive: -laughs- No, I don't think so Think you're a health freak: Not me Get along with your parents: -laughs again- Like thunderstorms: Indifferent... I love just rain though LAYER SIX - in the past month... Gone to the mall: Yeah Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Don't think I've ever done that... Eaten sushi: No, I want to try it though Been on stage: 'Fraid so Gone skating: No Made homemade cookies: I'm no cook... Gone skinny dipping: Not if my life depended on it Dyed your hair: Not in the last month... but lots of previous months before Stolen anything: I stole a pen from the photography dark room... LAYER SEVEN - ever.. Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No Been called a tease: Haha, no Got beaten up: Again, no LAYER EIGHT Age you hope to be married: 294? (Never) Number and name of children: 0, N/A Dream wedding: No wedding How do you want to die: Quickly Where do you want to attend college: The UNIVERSITY either here of Alberta. Good art programs there. Dream job: Comic book illustrator Country you want to visit: PANAMA!!! LAYER NINE - In a guy/girl... Best eye color: I care not Best hair color: Don't care Short or long hair: Still don't care Height: Don't care Best weight: Look! It's me, not caring! Best clothing: Don't care Best first date location: See previous answer Best first kiss location: See previous answer LAYER TEN Number of drugs taken illegally: I don't think multiple Asprin's count, so none Number of people I could trust with my life: I dont' know... Number of piercings: Two. Number of tattoos: None yet, but I'll get one soon enough Number of times my name's been in the news: Uh... never, I don't think.... Number of scars on my body: Too many to count, and that's only on my hands Number of things in my past that I regret: Don't ask
~~~~~THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS~~~~
TIME OF DAY: Nighttime count? SHOPPING STORE: Don't have one WEATHER: Warm and raining SEASON: Spring DAY CLOTHES: Pants and a random shirt? Usually black. NIGHT CLOTHES: An old over-sized shirt and pyjama pants CAR: No favourite. MOVIE: The Shawshank Redemption BOOK: Desperation, by Stephen King FOOD: Does coffee count? RELATIVE: Pfft... no favourite ANIMAL: Cats, reptiles, birds... PENGUINS!!! TYPE OF MUSIC: Alternative, industrial... "gothic" (yes, it's a type of music...) HERO: Edgar Allen Poe TALK SHOW: Don't watch talk shows CANDY: Kit Kat bars! HOLIDAY: Christmas... lots of presents KIND OF UNDERWARE: Yeah, I'm gonna post that on the internet ~~~~~WHO ARE YOU?~~~~~
CAR I DRIVE: Can't drive yet... BIGGEST FEAR: Drowning MY JOB: Don't have one RELIGION: I'm against religion. Not any specific religion, but religion in general. EYE COLOR: Blueish HAIR COLOR: Brown/black streaks HEIGHT: Kinda tall... BODY TYPE: ... what the hell? TATTOOED? HOW MANY?: Not yet... PIERCED? HOW MANY? Yeah, two CLEAN SHAVEN OR HAIRY? (APPLIES TO BOTH GUYS AND GIRLS): Clean shaven? DO YOU LIKE YOUR BODY? Um... FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE(ON YOURSELF): Uh... nothing? WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN? I'm in Canada, arse SIBLINGS NAMES AND AGES: Shelae;7 or 8... can't remember GREATEST PLEASURE: Drawing/sketching/whateve r, being ALONE HAPPIEST WHEN: I'm alone SADDEST WHEN: ... I'm sad? MARRIED? HOW MANY TIMES?: ... I'm 14, what do you think? DIVORCED? Again... I'm 14... DRINK? Nope SMOKE? Nope DRUGS? Nope WHAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ABOUT YOU: I dunno... PARENTS STILL MARRIED? Yeah... LIVE IN A HOUSE OR APARTMENT: House LIFES GOALS: So far? To wake up early enough tomorrow PET PEEVES: Close-minded people. Needlessly LOUD people. People.
~~~ MORAL DILEMMAS~~~
WOULD YOU? YES OR NO.
TURN IN A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER IF THEY HAD MURDERED SOMEONE AND CAME TO YOU FOR HELP: Probably not.
GIVE A STRANGER MONEY IF THEY ASKED: I might give a bum a buck or two... other than that, no.
PICK UP A FRIEND FROM A BAR AT 2 A.M. IF THEY WERE DRUNK AND YOU HAD JUST GONE TO BED..KNOWING YOU HAD TO BE TO WORK FOR 6 A.M. : Hell no. I like sleeping better than any friend.
GET A READING DONE FROM A TAROT OR PALM READER OR PHYSIC AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY: Uh... maybe...
HELP AN ENEMY IF THEY WERE IN DIRE NEED: Not likely
STOP A MAN FROM BEATING ON HIS WOMAN IF IT MEANT YOUR SAFETY WOULD BE IN DANGER: Yeah. Stupid bastard.
STOP TO HELP AT A CAR ACCIDENT: Nope. Their problem, not mine
HELP THE ASSISTED SUICIDE OF A LOVED ONE IF THAT WAS THEIR WISH: Sure, why not?
PICK UP A STRAY ANIMAL THAT HAS JUST GOTTEN HIT BY A CAR AND TAKE IT TO THE VET KNOWING YOU WOULD HAVE TO PAY: Pfft... no.
DISOWN OR TREAT YOUR FRIEND, PARENT OR CHILD DIFFERENTLY IF YOU FOUND OUT THEY WERE GAY? No way.
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